God Not Again

Subject: God Not Again Sun Nov 11, 2007 2:05 am

I have to vent about this.

I keep catching Tommy in lies. Not just any lies but lies about him sneaking around looking for people he used to do drugs with. I don't get it. He has SO many people who love him and yet it doesn't seem to be enough. It's like the friends he has who love him dearly aren't cool enough and it's like he's looking over their shoulder as they throw themselves at his feet and he's going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, who's out there cooler than you, that I can hang out with?"

So he lives under our roof, and although he's 21, he's acting 14, so he's grounded! He is grounded for 2 weeks from his Playstation AND XBox, and from going anywhere outside of church, work and home, and from having anybody over. I think his biological dad thinks we're being big meanies but I DONT CARE at this point. The boy needs to be taught how to tell the truth. He never taught him how and neither did his mom or grandma but we will.

He's going along with it which does tell me that he at least is open to correction unlike I would have been at his age.

But my heart is broken, and I feel a heavy, heavy oppression over me today. I pray that it's broken, and please join me. If any of you want to call us and talk to us, I will give you our number. I will also give you his MySpace if you want to add him as your friend and talk to him and get to know him, counsel him and encourage him. He could use all the Christians in his life he can get right now, ESPECIALLY MEN.

Please help. I am at my wit's end. I feel like John and I just can't love him enough - like it will never be enough. I hate to spill his business on here, but I have had it. A lot of people would have kicked him out by now. I just don't know what to do other than pray at this point.

I feel physically nauseated. It came today as such a shock, in an email from a mutual friend who ratted him out.

Please get involved in his life if you can because he needs you.

Love,
Tonya

Subject: Re: God Not Again Sun Nov 11, 2007 7:25 am

The beauty and joy of children is that they will also break your heart. NOTHING hurts like your own child in trouble. (I think that why God grieves so much over us, but that's a whole 'nother thread...)

Since Tommy is adopted, he could be easily be testing unconditional love. He has been thrown out and pulled back by his biological family so much that he might be trying to find and stretch his boundaries with you. The emotional damage that was inflicted upon him may take longer to heal than ya'll realize. Satan has found his weak area and will continue to poke, prod, and push Tommy there.

Prayers, blessings, and strength are definitely being lifted for you and your family.
_________________
"Who among the gods is like you, O LORD ?
Who is like you—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?" Exodus 15:11

http://www.achurchforthecity.org

"I don't reject your Christ, I love your Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ." Mahatma Ghandi

Joined : 24 May 2007 Posts : 14

Tonya, I am so sorry...have tried to call but your phone is getting fixed-I can't get through...grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you could call me during the day this week, we will talk about this and pray it through-as long as you need me to,
until Tommy works this out through and with the help of
Jesus.

If you need my phone number or e-mail, pm me.
I love you, sis.

Joined : 12 Jul 2007 Posts : 154

This is difficult.
This is something he must choose.
This is not about defying you. This is about who he wants to be.
I remind my own son, and my daughters, that it is not about disappointing me. It is about his own relationship with Christ.
Whether or not I am disappointed isn't really the point. As disciples of the live God we must choose whether we will walk a life of fruitful abundance or shame and remorse.
I can't make it happen for him nor can I save him from it. These are grown up choices for grown up people.
No one stands between the individual and the living God.
We all make our choices and stand or fall accordingly.

Subject: Re: God Not Again Mon Nov 12, 2007 1:36 am

First of all, thank you all for your kind words. Thank you so much. I really needed it.

If he were grown up on the inside, DRReeves, I would agree with you. Yes, he and I had that conversation, too, that this is about his relationship with Jesus. He understands and is taking his punishment well. He called his biological dad today (but I had to hand him the phone and tell him, call him because he kept putting it off...John & I are making him hold his promises...and he said he would call him) and his biological dad asked him if he was okay with being grounded!

What if he wasn't okay with it? Then what?

He knows he has the freedom to pack up his van and leave any day. Nobody's stopping him. But he said today that he's ok with being grounded and that he feels like he deserves it.

Now I just had a conversation with him where I'm trying to get him to think about what's missing in his life, that makes him want to do that. He keeps saying "I don't know!" and just saying that he was wondering how this girl was. I informed him that there were probably other motives behind it if he were honest with himself. He just feels like it's a guilt trip and halfway listens. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

Thank you, Jesus, tomorrow he starts working with me. He will be working 50 hour weeks through Christmas. Thank you, Jesus, he will at least stay out of trouble until, I'd say, about the end of January.

But it's only a matter of time before he's lonely and bored again, and I might be working and not him. And then what?

God, I know it's just a matter of time...

Subject: Re: God Not Again Mon Nov 12, 2007 7:18 am

Joined : 12 Jul 2007 Posts : 154

Again, with my own children, three of which are younger than your son, this is the most effective message and in having dealt with people with all sorts of addictions ranging from sexual to crack this has been the most effective message.

I teach my children and everyone within ear shot that I am merely a fellow traveler and the decissions they might make are all plain before God.
Do I "like" them? Will I continue to "like" them or even "love" them. The answer to this is that no matter their conduct they will have a place in my heart because they have a place in God's heart.

That said, if their choice is to defy the rules there is a price for that. And that is something quite apart from how I may "feel" about them.
Though it might seem hard, shielding people from the "fear of God" is not actually in their best interest.

Subject: Re: God Not Again Fri Nov 16, 2007 5:09 am

Yes, Peace I was married at his age, you're right.

Today he had a counseling appointment with our Pastor and it seemed to help. He seems to look up to our Pastor as a sort of grandpa figure which is really, really good. Also my dad is a grandpa to him now and has talked to him about it, as has my mom, and he listened to both of them.

He is taking his grounding well although he isn't happy about it. To his bio-dad I do believe we're a couple of big meanies like I said but oh well. Maybe the situation will become inspirational if they see that it makes a difference...

He admitted that he deserved it and is taking the grounding like a trooper. Only one more week to go without going anywhere without us, and no video games which is a big deal to him since that's how he pretty much spends his waking hours when he isn't working. He also agreed to go to Vineyard for counseling every week.

I don't feel like I'm shielding him from the fear of God, I feel like I'm introducing him to it. Nobody has stood in his way of what he wanted to do, his whole life. I'm sure that the "Hey, do what you want but you'll reap the consequences" works in situations where kids have had "normal" childhoods with mom and dad in the picture, growing up with their own mom and dad and not being adopted or abandoned.

But please understand that Tommy was pretty much a street creature when we met him. He was allowed to roam the streets literally all night long, and be gone at other people's houses for weeks at a time without coming home - when he was a minor! He was even allowed to have his girlfriends over to spend the night, and he could wander in off the street at four in the morning when he was fourteen and nobody would say or do anything to him. He needs discipline and to be discipled, which is what we're doing. It's just a matter of whether or not he'll stick with it.

I honestly think he was just bored. It seems to happen whenever I'm working and he isn't....

Subject: Re: God Not Again Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:18 pm

Tonn, I think what you are doing to help Tommy is wonderful. I only know of this situation what I read here but I can tell you from personal experience that me and all my friends that were allowed to run wild, became just that wild. And the one of us who had caring family to shake her up enough to make her realize that life was more than parties and being a bad girl is the only one of us that actually did something with her life.
I think that if we had caring people to put their foot down and stop us from the terrible path we were taking, well, things would have been a lot different for us all.
_________________
Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above.
-Gia Carangi