I'm going to try not to cry as I write this because for one I'm tired of crying, and for two, I'm fighting off a migraine....from crying. I took some Naproxyn (leftover from the last E.R. visit for my "other" problem a few weeks back) and the pain's gone and emotionally I'm feeling kind of numb.
I watched my kitty die in my arms tonight as some of you know. He had diabetes and was such a fighter. I worked really hard to save him. I gave him two insulin injections a day, cleaned the crusties and the snot out of his nose and eyes with q-tips several times a day, and when I came home and found him twitching and gasping tonight, I immediately cleaned out his nose, and then I went on a rampage trying to get him to breathe. I gave him CPR the best I knew how, blowing into his nose, pushing on his rib cage, blowing in his mouth, holding him up to breathe and even trying to wipe some canned cat food from a q-tip onto his tongue to try to get him to come around........but to no avail.
I watched his pupils get so tiny they were like hairlines, then dilate out to the point of his eyes looking completely black, then go back to normal, then cross. His head slowly lilted to one side, and when I lifted him, he was limp. He laid his head on my chest, opened his mouth and gagged, crossed his eyes and died on me. I think he choked on his own mucous.
I couldn't help but think while I was holding him that this would be me someday. I have Type 2 diabetes myself, and there is no cure. Everybody in my family has diabetes, except for my dad. Is this how we're all going to go? Young, and choking on our own mucous?
Spike was only 4 years old, and so in human years he would only be 28.
I'm 35.
My brothers are 41 and 46.
My mom is 69.
The last time I went to the doctor, my sugar was in the 300's.
How long do I have until I cross my eyes and die on somebody's chest? My husband's, perhaps?
I did some bad things tonight, and some good things. I've had good thoughts, but more bad ones.
One bad thing I did was, I sat down and went through the job ads and munched on a bag of cinnamon coated cereal. I probably ate a fourth of the bag. Immediately I couldn't think straight. But when I was eating it, I was thinking that I should stop, but maybe I should just keep going and maybe I could just go into a coma.
Later on, I did something good - I got on my gazelle and worked out. But at the end of my workout, my head was pounding. I knew in the drawer by the bed we had leftover Vicadin and Naproxyn which would help with the pain. First I thought about taking one, but then I thought about taking a bunch of them. Then my thoughts wandered to the handgun we keep in the drawer beside them.
The thoughts were just passing thoughts or so it seems. I love John and Tommy, I know God has plans for my life, I know it was just a kitty cat, but then - he wasn't JUST - a kitty cat, he was my Spike, and I know my mom & dad and lots of people love me, and that it's wrong. I'm not going to do anything, but I had the thoughts, and I know I had the thoughts, and I have to get them off my chest.
I don't want to die, but then when I think about it, something inside of me kind of wants to just get it over with now so I won't suffer like Spike did, someday. I know I have a long life ahead of me, and I shouldn't think that way, but something inside of me just can't seem to help it.
Worse than this is, the thought of my mom and my brothers dying young...dying before I do...which they're older, so they probably will...and I hate that thought.
I am the youngest of the family and will naturally outlive everybody more than likely, but part of me doesn't want to know what it's like to live on a planet without any surviving family members. Even my husband is older than I am.
I'm going to miss my kitty really bad. He was a good boy - a daddy's boy, and very affectionate. Breakfast won't be the same without him bumping up against my leg and meowing his scratchy little meow.
God............
...........his stripes were so pretty.....
Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:13 am
